Finding answers

It's been a strange day where I haven't known whether I was coming or going.

I met with another prospective childminder and was confronted by the inherent differences between her child and mine, (they are a month apart). Difficult in itself. It is, I find, very difficult to know how much to say to childminders and at what point. I briefly mentioned Tiddler’s head banging and throwing of objects but hated to do so although I knew I must.

I don’t think I am ever going to feel comfortable leaving her with a childminder. I just feel that T has been through so much and been so poorly I can’t leave anything to chance and need to be 100% confident about all aspects of the prospective childcare. It seems this is too ambitious.

Next we went to the local Children’s Centre and although there were several mums there that I knew, I could not relax and chat to them as they were amongst each other, because Tiddler was throwing toys and there were some really tiny babies close to her. She really doesn’t understand “no” yet and in any case I don’t believe that she is doing the “casting” deliberately. She cannot grade her movements, particularly with her arms. I think this is partly due to her weak muscle tone as she didn’t have the opportunity to develop her movement skills gradually as a baby normally would.

This afternoon Tiddler went to her playgroup for children with additional needs and upon picking her up I was told how well she has progressed in the last few months. She has done really well I know. Although she is not talking / saying any words yet she is signing really well to several nursery rhymes (Twinkle Twinkle Little Star being a particular favourite) which surely demonstrates how sparky she is. I cant help but wonder / worry why she is not saying words yet but hopefully this worry is just due to my status as the world’s worst worrier rather than anything else.

Drop in a couple of hardcore incidents of head banging, particularly in the car, and we have a stressful day with high highs where I was bursting with pride and desperate lows where I wonder how I will cope as things are consistently difficult and very very lonely. Let alone wondering how I will cope when the baby arrives…