When I was growing up I wanted to be an Air hostess, Prime Minister, Lady Diana, an RSPCA worker feeding lions (I know, I know).
When older I was going to be a solicitor or barrister, possibly work in government policy. I had high hopes for myself, others had high hopes for me. Life did life's thing. I was thrown a couple of curved balls, dodged some and were clipped by others and thrown off course. I was floored by one or two experiences, too painful to blog about. The nature of my life experiences meant I have spent a lot of my adulthood running, hiding and avoiding -a pattern of behaviour that has shoehorned me down a narrow and undemanding career path and at times imprisoned me on a progressively eroding island where I'm scared of my own shadow. The island I live on is at times tiny, a very safe existence with no risks or danger. It's not a very happy place though and I still sometimes suffer from anxiety attacks. I am a great disappointment to my teenage self, the one who could conquer all, who would be a high flyer, who was unstoppably determined.
So why all this navel gazing? It was never in my plan to be a stay at home mum. That's what I am: a SAHM, homemaker, housewife. I love being a Mum, of course I do, but what else do I do? What else can I be proud of? How do I use my brain, or rather remind myself and the outside world that I have one! I don't want my daughters to grow up thinking that Mum is "just" a mum. As I have two children under 2 years old any serious career is a little way off, but in the meantime I need to address the small issue of my self esteem that is currently scraping the floor. I am fiercely proud of Tiddler and how much she has overcome. I need to borrow a little bit of her fight. I want to be happy about who I am and what I am. I think I would have reached this point even if I hadn't been blessed with children, but being a Mum within four walls for what seems to be so much of the time has brought my lack of self-belief into sharp focus.
Where do I start? Someone on Twitter told me about 101 things in 1001 days, this seems like a good beginning. Who's with me?