What if it all happens again?

So last night, in a rare moment of time, clarity of thought and space to breathe I crapped myself again.

What if the baby is really poorly? What if she ends up in SCBU? What if she is much worse than Tiddler? Tiddler's Paediatrician said that he would like the baby and I to be kept in for a few days to ensure everything is ok and that feeding is established. Great, absolutely fine with that (although the Antenatal Consultant is still pretty non-plussed).

However, I am terrified at the prospect of my immediate post-natal haze... I will need to sleep of course I will. I know that no matter how scared I am the need for sleep will take over... what if she stops breathing when I am asleep? We still have an apnoea alarm from Tiddler - maybe I could take it to the hospital? I know everyone will think I am crackers but their first baby probably didn't go purple once let alone the number of times Tiddler did.

However much I flap and get myself into a blind panic about this, one fact remains. I can do nothing more than I am doing. Nobody knows whether the suspected genetic kink will repeat itself or indeed how much of Tiddlers newborn problems are attributable to genes. I can't wait to meet my baby though and Tiddler is going to be a great big sister.

In the big bed

We are doing it, we are finally doing it,... Tiddler is in her own room. We had a shocker of a night last night and although she is poorly, this was not the sole reason we were all up for 2 hours from 2am til 4. The coughs and cries were interspersed with giggles and grins... "isnt this great! We are all here- lets play even though its dark and clearly the middle of the night.."

She is almost 10 months old. I know... knocking on a bit to still be in our room. We have our reasons as I have blogged here, she stopped breathing several times when tiny and we have, until about 1 month ago, been using an apnoea alarm each night fixed to her tummy. We haven't forced the issue, things are just naturally about right now for her to move into her room.

Doesn't make it easy though. I cried tonight. I cried due to terror- what if she does stop breathing? I know that she won't intellectually. I cried as I can't believe we have actually got to this stage! Wow! At times I never thought she would leave the hospital let alone be in her own room. And I cried because, like a normal mummy I am sad that my baby is a little more grown up now! She looks so tiny in her cotbed. Well she is tiny in her cotbed... its going to last her for years and years at this rate...

Reasons to be Cheerful, 4th August

Reasons to be Cheerful

Ok, so all my Reasons to be Cheerful are Tiddler related- of course!

1. Almost a year after it was bought, we put Tiddler's cotbed up! YAY! It is almost time for her to be in her own room. This is a really positive sign as we honestly NEVER thought that we would feel confident enough for this.
2. On a sort of related note, and blogged about elsewhere this week, we have had 3 periods without the Apnoea alarm on overnight. She was fine, of course, and we took one more step towards normality.
3. Completely independently and totally randomly, Tiddler pushed up on her arms from being on her tummy. This is a massive development- her upper trunk is weak and her arms very floppy. Ha! She's on her way to crawling and will definitely surprise people I think. :)

... actually I will add 2 more

1. I am getting my haircut on Saturday!!! Ony second time since Tiddler's arrival. Looking forward to this a lot.
2. Its husb's birthday this weekend and we are going on a family trip to Chessington.

First Step Away From Apnoea Alarm

We were very brave last night.

6 hours after Tiddler was born, she went purple and had what the medics call a "dusky episode". It was terrifying and was to happen again several times in her 1st 8 days.

The second time we were discharged from hospital, we were given an Apnoea alarm for Tiddler to wear.

At first she wore it all the time- in particular I remember one of our only trips out in the early days to Tesco... there we were terrified, totally unprepared in snow, trying to make some vague effort towards Christmas and in the pram was Tiddler, our ticking baby! Tick, tick, tick... After a while when things had calmed down a bit we made the conscious decision to take it off during the day so we all had a bit of normality. We have however always, put it on her at night. Its gone off periodically, most probably due to false alarms although we won't ever know for sure I suppose.

Anyway, last night at 2 am it went off again. The alarm is incredibly shrill and urgent as you would expect and I am too used to it waking me up! I instinctively reach out to touch Tiddler's tummy- this always makes her breathe in and so stop the alarm. You see its incredibly common for babies to hold their breath and its not normally a problem. It is probable that the times the alarm has gone off at home has been because of this. Anyway, last night the alarm wouldnt stop. Tiddler was fine though, she was breathing, asleep, and her colour was normal. The sensor pad had come off her tummy. Phew! As she was still asleep, we decided that rather than to risk waking her and creating a far larger problem (an incredibly angry baby), we would sleep without the alarm on. This was such a brave move, probably a bit too bold, but we were clearly both influenced by 2 am logic!

I woke quite a few times overnight but of course everything was fine. I felt we had really achieved something by not using the alarm all night. The last thing we want to do is medicalise our daughter- we have fought tooth and nail in the recent past to avoid tube feeding etc- and so its good that we the parents were able to go "cold turkey" like this.

Tonight the alarm is back on... I don't feel as brave somehow! She is still in a crib next to our bed and we are currently contemplating a move to her own room. I dont think I will be able to do this without the apnoea alarm. Thats such a terrifying prospect still. One step at a time eh?